The whole class?! I couldn't have done that bad, right?
I'm sad to report, the results are not great.
Fake It Till Ya' Make It
Honestly same, like it's not even that important. I don't really care
Impact
Is this really my score?
I knew I was going to do bad
Same! I don't even care
As I sat at my desk in my math class, my teacher had broken the news to the class an I. Sadly, a very large percentage of the class had gotten wretched scores on a unit test we had taken a while back. I couldn't help but think back to my experience taking that test. I didn't think I did awful but maybe I didn't know how to read my own experiences as well as I thought.
Enough Already!
I was faking a carefree attitude to try and convince myself that it really wasn't a big deal. That a tanked test score was normal, even though I knew it wasn't. But nobody else seemed to care, they were upset but not with themselves. I didn't want to be the brat that cried over a test score when nobody else was crying.
Meltdown
I did terrible, my mom will kill me. I'm not supposed to do bad
Everyone around me seemed to be joking and laughing about their scores. Their carefree attitudes seemed to be ideal, With a bad feeling swimming into my stomach, I was being consumed by worries and what felt like numbness. I'd never done this badly on a test before, this had thrown me for a loop and I wasn't ready for it.
Realization
Did you really react like that? Why did I spend hours crying over a test. Is that normal
After math,, I headed to PE. I continually spewed nonsense about 'that stupid test'. My friends were getting tired of it. I was laughing over my grade but even the ones who carried a care free attitude about it were some of the first people to tell me that it wasn't funny. It simply didn't matter all that much. But no matter how many times I said it or they said it, those words of disregard didn't ease my worries.
Please stop, we get it the test wasn't that important
That test was so dumb right? Like who cares?!
what test?
As soon as PE had actually started I gave up. I could no longer lie and say I didn't care. I was sobbing in the middle of my class period over my grade. I was having a meltdown. It wasn't me, my parents were very grade strict and I have always stuck within their view of acceptable. This was nothing my parents would ever be alright with. Getting a grade as detrimental as this one was absolutely unacceptable to my family and I.
It's ok, no need to cry, the test won't bring your grade down too bad
Buti I've never failed like this!
When I got home, I locked myself in my room and broke down once more. My mom had interrogated about any test I had taken and I had told her not to worry. I shoved my face into my pillow and screamed while crying and degrading my intelligence. Once the dust had cleared, I sat up and contemplated. It had hit me that I was acting infuriating. My intelligence was always praised but the first time it had taken a blow I kicked and screamed like a brat. My toxic idea of perfection had been haunting me.