This is a tale about the life of a girl whom everyone knows as a junior high school student who excels, is family-oriented, and is generally happy-go-lucky, but in reality, she is broken and unstable. Yeah, In short, this is who I am before. I have a miserable life, but I still have friends and music in my life that keeps me going. I value my friends more than I value myself. Apparently, my happiness was ruined when I was prohibited from making new friends for a useless reason at all, and it was also implied that I might be part of a gang. However, this was a wrongful accusation because all of my friends have a positive impact, so it was unjustified. Since they are the only ones who understand and are receptive to hearing about my woes, it gets harder for me to go days and months without sharing my complaints and struggles with anyone. I'm not allowed to go out and socialize with my friends, which is painful, but I must do it to keep myself apart.
I sometimes wonder why things are always this way—have I done something terrible and now I have to suffer the consequences, to the point where even my true friends can't be around? Is it my fault that I am socially adept, as evidenced by the growth of my bond of friendship? If they give almost everything to me, did I really want that? The problem emerges from their lack of trust, which prevents them from letting me make mistakes and learning from within so that I can reboot and thrive. If they constantly guide me, how can I grow?
The adversity I faced was no one knew I have anxiety and depression because whenever I try to tell them, they just laugh and brush it off as a joke. They are unaware that I cry every single night because they don't understand how mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted I am and how I just want to disappear like a bubble. I can't sleep because of insomnia and nightmares, so instead, I will cry all night long until my eyes are tired, and got fall asleep. It got to the point where I would slash my wrist to check if I was still alive. I sometimes feel like I'm awake but feel like actually dead; my mind goes blank and unable to feel anything.
What helps me here is I keep myself occupied with a variety of activities that help me stay focused, such as playing, exercising, and reading. Thus, I avoid drowning in negativity and other bad deeds, just tuning in positivity. Additionally, I frequently use music as a coping mechanism. Music has a calming effect on the mind, and occasionally it can convey the emotions that a person is experiencing. Before, I would generally read about tips and techniques that other people had used to deal with situations similar to mine and apply them to my conditions.
And that leads to the woman I am today, a mid-grown, changed woman. I am aware of how I have changed and grown as a result of the various experiences and lessons I have learned, but I also recognize that I still have much improvement to do because life is such a long journey. It's just a matter of moving slowly and having patience with myself because everything will eventually experience a challenging period. I must be developed and molded to reflect who I really am. Also, I've been clean for two years, and when occurrences may happen. I merely tend to look on the bright side and keep moving forward because hope is something that never goes away.
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